Sunday 22 November

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The week in soapland

Nick Cotton of EastEnders (John Altman)
  • Posted at 6:30pm
  • 29 May 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

EastEnders

Had Nick Cotton put as much effort into making an honest living as he has into tormenting Dot, he'd be E20's answer to Richard Branson by now - or, at the very least, a rougher Ian Beale. In this respect, Nick is a lot like Wile E Coyote, who spent inordinate sums on schemes to trap Road Runner when he could have just spent the money on a really nice dinner instead. For Nick, though, as for Coyote, it's never really been about the end, it's been about the means. The chase.

But with robotic Dotty's resolve faltering and Bradley and Syd's concern complicating his murderous plan, Nick embarks on a careering course of action that sends a Square landmark up in flames. When the smoke clears, someone will surely be toast.

Coronation Street

Addiction can be ruinous, regardless of the narcotic - be it alcohol, drugs or love. Peter, his battle with booze so tough that he asks Ken for help, finds himself similarly struggling as he falls for Michelle. After a night of passion, she seems determined to leave the Street, but could the love of a Barlow keep her cobblebound? Given her unluckiness in love thus far - a dead husband, a boyfriend she unwittingly shared with Sean, the scoundrel Steve - Michelle may just possess sufficient gluttony for punishment.

While Fiz, Sean and Anna are also tormented by their love lives, David is consumed, just as passionately, by loathing. The object of his disaffection is Gary and, enacting a dastardly plan, David launches a potentially fatal chain of events. That's the thing with compulsion - it blinds you to consequences.

Emmerdale

Debbie and Andy's custody battle over little Sarah reaches a head, and indeed new lows, forcing a fearful Andy into a corner. And as Aaron and Victoria become Cain's unwitting pawns, a missive from Jo may mean that Andy's fear of losing his daughter is justified.

The thought of offspring is also occupying Lexi and Carl, the tallest couple in Yorkshire. But while she is eager to make whoopee, he seems intent on avoiding baby-making activities. And they say romance is dead.

Elsewhere, Pollard hits the campaign trail. Let's hope that it whacks back.

Hollyoaks

After the conflagration, recrimination. As Hannah lies in hospital, and Warren is most likely dead (though that's what was thought of drowned Clare, was it not?), warpaths are embarked upon - with all roads leading to Justin. Obviously. Hence, Rhys and Josh vow vengeance, while Sasha - currently unaware of Calvin's role in Warren's death - wants to make Justin pay for breaking her heart. I'm guessing she doesn't accept luncheon vouchers.

Meanwhile, Russ reaches a decision, with consequences for Nancy, Max and the McQueens. He's going to resist the urge to walk round in his boxer shorts.

The Archers

by Alison Graham

Nice Vicky is the latest in a long line of decent women who've wasted themselves on Ambridge's wan population of feckless, boring and/or emasculated men (you're not included in this cruel generalisation Brian). She's being paraded around Ambridge by her proud boyfriend Mike Tucker, the one-eyed ballroom-dancing Sir Galahad, but I think it's safe to assume that she sounds so pleasant that there is bound to be Something Wrong With Her. Maybe she eats specially imported live wombats, or she used to be a man.

Brenda isn't too keen, even though she's wrapped up in her renewed relationship with Tom (see my first sentence). I'm pleased they are back together, if only because it will stop Brenda from being a Victoria Falls of utter drippy-ness.

Annette the toxic teen is feeling a bit left out, so finds new ways of amusing herself. I find it hard to care. She could pull the legs off a sheep and I wouldn't flicker an eyebrow.

And Matt withdraws further from Lilian. Who can blame him. Lilian daaaaaaaaarling - STOP SHRIEKING!

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