Radio Times

I knew I'd seen enough when I fell off the sofa. But that's the trouble when you're rigid with horror - your muscles just won't react as you see the floor looming up to meet you.

Once I'd dusted myself off, I returned to the Olympics 2008: Closing Ceremony (24 August, BBC1). The ceremony wasn't awful - not the Chinese part anyway, which was mellifluous, colourful, wonderfully choreographed and just generally gorgeous. Who could fail not to be captured by the brilliance of that tower, with its tumbling acrobats? No, it was the British bit, our eight precious minutes in front of a global television audience of billions, that locked every one of my muscles into appalled spasm.

The Chinese must have had an inkling of the debacle to come, as they'd taken the precaution of shoving our excruciating tableau off to the side of the Bird's Nest arena, away from the good bits, as you would a bunch of rowdy kids at a posh dinner party. Thus we were isolated in our shame and embarrassment.

After the London bus pootled on and opened up to reveal some topiary (why?), I peered at the screen - who was that sweaty old man playing a guitar? And who was that young woman rising through the air on a cake stand, dressed like a dolly on top of a toilet-roll holder?

Crikey! It's Jimmy Page and Leona Lewis! Poor Leona struggled with a non-existent sound system and acoustics that simply swallowed her up and spat her out again. Silently. And as for the contorted Jimmy Page, one of rock's greatest guitarists - he might as well have been wrestling a great white shark, because a Whole Lotta Love became a Whole Lotta What Was That? I Can't Hear You.

But it wasn't just bad acoustics. It was the aching smallness and lack of ambition that turned our moment in the sun into a shambles. The jolly dancers pretending to board a London bus were something that would have been fine on Seaside Special 30 years ago. But at a world showcase event? No way.

I boycotted the games because I disagreed with a lot of the 'preparations' in Beijing, one of the worst was a 'clean up' of thousands of stray cats and dogs. And no, they were not put to sleep but died horrible deaths. And the population suffered, too, as their power and water was taken away to be used for the games, as there wasn't enough to go round.

The olympic games are about sports and athletes, not about pompous spectacles and showing off.

I agree with FB and Dan. Well said, both of you.

This whole business of ceremonies has got more and more ridiculous over the years. The Olympics is supposed to be about the world's best sportsmen and women competing. All the flag waving and marching and national anthems is what is embarrassing. I think they should welcome the competitors and wish them luck. If people want to see light shows and synchronised drumming they can go to a circus.

And what about the continuous counting and comparison of medals? For sheer embarrassment just listen to the jingoist commentators. The don't say so-and-so has won the race. No they've won "Olympic Gold for Britain". YUK

Why this continuing obsession with celebrity? It was as if all we needed was that great Olympian Beckham to kick a ball, almost knock out a member of the audience and put another credit into his PR/marketing/image bank, and that's all we needed. Sometimes it genuinely makes me feel sick.

Okay not the most inauspicious start - but no handovers tend to be - you have no opportunity to rehearse in the stadium and you have to use the sound and set from the main ceremony - so the comments re sound are a bit erroneous. Creatively - not my cup of tea - but its a well known fact that no-one ever likes the handover segment. The chinese handover in Athens, although liked globally was much derided back in China. The key thing is - how to make the Opening Ceremony in London in 4 years time have that wow factor on a much smaller budget - also remembering - no matter what Tessa Jowell is currently saying about the ceremony taking place outside the stadium - contractually the Opening Ceremony needs to include all the Protocol and the Parade - all the creative elements are purely the indulgence of the host country (as started in 1980 in Moscow!!). And also if you will have paid several hundred pounds to an Opening Ceremony - you are going to want to see some wow factor!! The chinese did a great ceremony - so will london.

I hated it. Can't we just not embarrass our selves at these large events.

It was a classic example of what Britain has become - cheap and tacky. Remember the days that made in China meant plastic rubbish? Perhaps the tables have been turned.

The London games is going to be the 'Carry On Olympics', on that showing. Will it be very knowingly ironic or simply naff?

China delivered an excellent Olympics, with facilities that were often almost unbelievable. Where else could you actually get 14,000 people perfectly performing an opening ceremony? There was rarely anything out of line and many aspects of life were planned to military precision.

However, no one expects, or indeed wants every country that stages the Olympics to spend that sort of money on the event. What people will get when they come to London will be a warm welcome from the people and the chance to experience British culture - and hopefully share our sense of humour! I hope that everyone can take a moment while the games are on to forget their complaints about whether our bus was good enough etc and enjoy the hugely inspiring sporting events, the culture and the chance to meet people from all over the world - far more important than whether there was anything that we could have feasibly transported from the UK that would have looked substantial next to their Memory Tower (any ideas?)

The athletics was happening in the stadium at the time when ideally the London team would have been rehearsing for their performance and getting the sound check right. Maybe it could have been better if we had spent a huge amount on staging an extravaganza, but maybe our values say that actually we value slightly different things.

Remember, we are a free country with incredible personal freedoms and liberties. There will be no "Free Scotland" protests in 2012, the police force will continue to work hard to provide us with a safe city but they won't be military-style police, and there will be no internet/media censorship. If large screens showing the sporting action are erected around Britain, then these places will fill with enthusiastic people - something not seen when the same was done in Beijing.

A country is made by the people in it, so I hope that people will take the energy from their complaints and use it for something positive - if you don't think NHS facilities are good enough, then why not get involved in fundraising? If you want safer streets at night then try volunteering as a special constable. We have the chance to do something great in 4 years time and Britain won't ever have the Chinese style for perfection, but we are a great nation who knows how to have a good time so the world should prepare to party like its 2012 and truly enjoy hosting the world!

My initial reaction was "HELP". WhatWho is this totally decrepit escapade supposed to represent? The whole thing was so bad that I was almost on my knees praying we can do better in 2012- we still have four years to get our act together.

And that snide comment that "our" girl was not picked just for her beauty, as was the Chinese girl, was not just unnecessary but downright rude, but then I have become accustomed to UK News people trying to show off rather than present the news as it is.

What a boring and pointless 'review' pulling each aspect of the hand-over to bits, just to get an 'article'. Complete rubbish. Also, that toilet roll holder was designed by a group of fashion students from a local London University, I'm sure they no a damn lot more than you about fashion. The Olympics is now about supporting our country in the greatest event to be held their in a long time, not making snide comments about small parts.

The whole thing was embarrasing. I'd say the whole spectacle looked like something a GCSE dance class would come up with, but that would be unsulting to the GCSE class would come up with. All the things that London, or England as a whole, has to offer, and we come up with this. Just plain terrible!

I disagree, the chinese cermony bored me. Yes it was spectacle but spectacle with no personality or humour. I thought the British section was fun and quirky. It wasn't as huge and extravagant as the chinese's but it was much more enjoyable.

My daughter and I were talking about this last night and agreed that it was a pretty poor showing.It was as if someone had cobbled something together at the last minute in desperation.Was that really all London could come up with when we have such a wealth of history to draw on?It is such an honour to be awarded the Games and I certainly hope there will be some imaginative planning to ensure that our opening and closing ceremonies do justice to such an important event.

The British contribution made me feel ashamed of my country. One of the many things I didn't like was the way the 'commuters' read their newspapers then chucked them on the ground. The message there is that Great Britain is a land of litter louts. That's one of our distinguishing features on the global stage, and in 2012 visitors from around the world can expect to be wading through our discarded rubbish in the streets to get to the Olympic venues. And of course the inside of the bus shall be full of litter, not shrubbery. There may be a few slashed seats and a bit of artwork of the spray-paint kind also. And we're planning a reduced budget. I'm dreading it. I won't be able to watch it.

It's clear that you don't like sport, so any chance to be cynical and mocking you take with both hands. If you have no idea about the subject, then don't offer us your ill-advisied, misinformed opinions. Stick to what you know, if that is anything at all?

Couldn't agree more. I though the parade of Morris Minors at the Commonwealth games was lame but this was cringeworthy.

Agree that Boris's wiff-waff comment was class, pity about the suite. I'm sure Saville Row could have sorted him out. Alternatively how about a smart green Chairman Mao suite

At the moment I'm just hoping the sheer importance and worldwide interest in 2012 will FORCE us to get it right. We just CAN'T afford to look that silly. You can just about get away with a s**tty handover. The commentators on BBC1 were stressing the intention to be a bit humorous and surreal -- in contrast to the humourless Beijing games. I actually thought Boris Johnson did quite well (he waved the flag better than that other guy, who got tangled up in it) and his Wiff-Waff speech afterwards was very funny. The weirdest thing was the old-hat dancing and transforming bus (which are a dying breed along with the red phone boxes, anyway). It made sense to include Leona Lewis, Jimmy Page and Beckham, too -- all were born in the east end of London and nicely represented old-fashioned rock, contemporary pop/glamour and sport. Who else would you have chosen? Brian May, Will Young and Wayne Rooney? Yes, it was still poor -- but it was in the midst of the $300,000,000 Chinese extravaganza, and only intended to be a bit of cheeky fun.

I remember the Athens/Beijing handover being extremely colourful - a small taster of the amazing spectacle that was to come in the 2008 opening ceremony. So what did we come up with? Good grief! A bus, a bunch of dancers with wet umbrellas, Leona Lewis, Jimmy Page and David Beckham. I've never felt so embarrassed. The commentator spoke of a "state-of-the-art" double-decker bus, but could have just emphasised the word "state" and left the rest of the sentence out.

We really need to up our game and get some mega-creatives involved - could I suggest poaching those behind the Beijing and Athens opening ceremonies? Otherwise we're going to be the laughing stock of the world!