Radio Times

RT's Paul Jones shares his initial thoughts on the new BB housemates…

23-year-old mother Alexandra gives herself 10 out of 10 for looks but tells us "I am not an It Girl". No, love, we know, you're from Croydon. Alexandra's worst habit is picking her spots. Her name means "great leader", apparently (not "great picker of spots"), and that's what Alexandra expects to be in the house. She says she's not very pleasant to live with, though, which will be exactly why they chose her to be on Big Brother.

Dale, 21, from Liverpool, is a part-time DJ. Who isn't a part-time DJ these days? He's decided not to speak to ugly housemates but has vowed to "nail" any attractive female contestants. Anyway, he seems like a nice bloke. Dale says he's desperate to be rich and famous and have girls screaming his name. He's currently studying to be a PE teacher, so the dream's in sight.

26-year-old albino Darnell grew up in St Louis in America but was deported to the UK after getting involved in gangs. That way of life's obviously taught him some lessons as he says he hates conflict, and he now works as a mentor in community youth groups. He still has some bad habits, though - scratching his balls and unhealthy eating (ie just after scratching his balls).

Dennis - 23, he says - is a dancer. He certainly is. If he wasn't a dancer, though, he'd be a professional shopper. On a typical day he stresses out in front of the mirror for hours, and gets changed about three times before going out. He thinks there should be a law forcing everyone to wear fake tan. His favourite TV show is Will & Grace. You get the idea. "Be fabulous, that's my motto," he says, lifting an arm to reveal a huge sweat patch. Indeed.

Cheryl Cole look-a-like Jennifer, 22, is a part-time model and full-time mum. She's proud of her strong views and is a strict vegetarian - yet she fears tomato soup. She's also "slightly psychic". What number am I thinking of? Three? No, four, but that's really close. You must be slightly psychic… Oh, and the biggest lie Jennifer's ever told? That she had a dolphin in her back garden (it was actually a porpoise).

Kathreya is a 30-year-old Thai cookie monster who carries a biscuit barrel with her wherever she goes and hopes to be reincarnated as a Pokémon. Big Brother does not take vulnerable people and place them in situations where they might go completely postal, oh no. By the way, she wants us to know that her mother is not a prostitute. What a letdown.

Lisa is the female part of the first Big Brother couple. Her beau, "Mario", looks like Sly Stallone, which is weird because Lisa looks a lot like Stallone's mum. The 40-year-old former bodybuilder is a fitness and health fanatic - and a sales rep for, no, not cigarettes, but the next best thing, tanning machines. The most significant event in Lisa's life so far was when Mario pawned his Rolex to buy her a boob job. Beautiful. I think I might cry.

Luke from Wigan is a 20-year-old Tory wrestling fan who likes to wear suits because he finds it "empowering". His favourite suits are by George at Asda. His friends say he looks like Justin Timberlake. That's some loyal friends you've got there Luke. Sadly, Luke has not yet experienced a meaningful relationship. Perhaps he should stop referring to the missionary position as the "military position" then, it could give the wrong impression.

"Mario", aka "the Italian Stallion", aka… Shaun, is the other half of "Xena: Warrior Princess" (aka Lisa). The 42-year-old considers his toned, athletic body to be his best asset. But if Mario could change anything about Lisa it would be to stop her being obsessed by her looks. Yeah, come on, Lisa, get over it! Oh, and he'd like her to lose weight and get bigger boobs.

Mikey lost his sight after undergoing an operation when he was younger, and works as a producer on a radio station for the blind. Mikey also told us on entering the house that he enjoys dressing up in women's clothes. But - shhh! - his family don't know about it… He once worked in a tampon factory in Portsmouth. Not sure it's relevant, I just thought it was interesting.

Mohamed is a Muslim, but not a strict one (he eats pork, drinks, films people in the shower and posts it on the internet). He says reading, women and the weather make him sad (what, all weather?). Imagine what sort of state Mohamed would be in if he read something about women in the rain… He works at Hamleys demonstrating toys, which is, like, my dream job!

24-year-old Rachel from Wales is a former child actor. Her claim to fame is having worked alongside Hugh Grant. Hugh's subtle critique of her performance was to suggest that she got some academic qualifications before committing herself to acting. You know, on the off chance that it doesn't work out. Rachel's nicknames include "Grotbags" and she wants to represent "pretty, intelligent alpha females". Good luck to you, Rachel.

I'd like to tell you about Rebecca but it is very hard to understand anything she says. She's definitely from Coventry, though, she mentioned that gem about 89 times. She teaches four-year-old children and claims she's good at it because she's on a similar level to them. Who am I to argue? She's ambitious, though - she'd like to be reincarnated as a human. Again, good luck.

"Most people don't like me," says self-styled "professional bully" Rex. Hmmm…why not? London socialite and chef Rex, 24, says his favourite things include money and success. Rex lives at home with his parents. He reckons his face is his best feature and says all the girls he's ever met have fallen in love with him. It's true! It is! Rex would sleep with anyone for £50. He requires up to 15 hours' sleep each night. OK, so £50 times 15 is…

19-year-old Stephanie missed out on a chance to be in Girls Aloud when she was kicked out of Pop Stars: the Rivals for lying about her age. This is her next shot at fame, I suppose, going on Big Brother. Let's hope she can top Kinga's antics with the champagne bottle, then. Stephanie thinks she looks like a mixture of Britney Spears and Angelina Jolie. Shaved head and covered in tattoos? Just kidding, she's lovely.

Sylvia's family fled war-torn Sierra Leone when she was a child and now she's coming on Big Brother. You'd think she'd want a break from conflict. "Unclean individuals, aggressive people and negativity" make Sylvia angry. And you wouldn't like her when she's angry (or, quite possibly, when she's not). Nice boobs, shame about the wrists.

get alex out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!