Radio Times

Location, Location, Location is a programme based on greed and sex. Greed is provided simply by bringing the housing market to the screen and suggesting that not only could we "trade up", but also we would be better, happier people for it. Sex, less successfully perhaps, is provided by the intimation that, given the chance, Phil and Kirstie would be at it like knives.

The show's bast*rd offspring Relocation, Relocation has taken this model and gone global - well, over the Channel, anyway. Now it's not just about being greedy in Britain, it's about being greedy in Europe at the same time.

Last week we had a couple looking for a place in the Languedoc region which, we were reminded, is in the south of France, plus "a rural idyll" in Suffolk (personally I'd take Montpelier over Felixstowe - generally the wine's better). This is classic Relocation, Relocation, though frankly it doesn't matter what the couple are looking for as the same clunking mechanism is employed every time.

Early on in proceedings false oppositions are set up between the couple: he wants a place where he can extend the garage to house his traction engine, she wants to knock down the kitchen wall and put in a six-burner stove with spit. She wants a view "with trees in it"; he wants to be "near the off-licence".

These rival desires are maintained through the viewing of a succession of increasingly dismal houses with horrendous wallpaper and urine-stained carpet in the toilet. Meanwhile Kirstie is in the Dordogne or Tuscany, looking stern in front of a derelict 18th-century chapel full of diseased goats that has "real investment potential".

But hang on - look what Phil, who'll be wearing a city business shirt combined with jumper and jeans (you know, he's good on the money stuff but he's a nice guy to have a pint with), has found! A semi-detached late Victorian conversion with half an acre of land behind Threshers with a withered apple tree next door.

Phil, unsurprisingly, has done this using his "contacts". Simultaneously Kirstie has gone off to have girlie talks with the unfortunate, and invariably mousey, woman who married the idiot who likes traction engines. But, of course, it can never be truly "girlie" as Kirstie is practically an aristocrat and - high heels, woolly stockings, glum face and blowsy blouses - clearly bewildered by just how common Britons are.

Throughout this tosh Phil and Kirstie have little love scenes under trees or by rivers. This is all so false and so utterly couple-orientated that the single man, or woman, is entirely justified in hurling glass ashtrays at the TV screen. Which I have had to stop, having running out of ashtrays and TV screens.

Buying a house is a hellish experience. Why would anyone choose to do it with a slightly bonkers member of the upper classes and a property speculator? Well, I suppose Unity Mitford and Caligula are dead. Pity though, that would have been good TV.

I love Kirstie and Phil. It is my favourite show on Foxtell. I want to retire back to Britain after living in Australia. There is so much good advice on locations, prices and personal tastes. It has taken the fear factor out of returning to Britain after 38 years in Australia. I also think that Kirsie and Phil are very stylish, and very funny (the British sense of humour). Miss the sense of humour! Keep sending Relocation to Oz. Many thanks. Su.

Ah bagpuss69, don't you like to see people who have worked their fingers to the bone,getting on in life? they should be admired for it, some people hate seeing others doing well,I could never feel like that!! after all the sort of people on this prog, are just hard working people on the whole,you can tell they were not born with a silver spoon in their mouth!! as they all have the same old sayings ticked all the boxes, Wow & so on,they can only be normal working class!!

Well,zangelzone these properties are not all for the well off as you seem to think, they range for very cheap homes from £150K up to around £800k, the price depends on what or where you are looking & what you can afford, I think it is a great prog, only problem is it is quite out of date!!some of the people drive me nuts, with their ticking the boxes & wow's such bores!!

I have to agree with Michael. For the first minute my greedy aspirations of grandieur are let loose and I magine I can own a delightful property here or overseas in some wonderful location and then I come back to reality and dreary wet and windy england and only a mountain, of debt.

It leaves me completely stressed out and sick to see what I am missing out on.. oh yes envy , it brings that out in me as well.

I think that their annual spin off programme "Best/Worst Place to Live" is cheap, nasty broadcasting at its worst. The two of them must be so proud of sneering at and ridiculing some of the most disadvantaged areas of the UK with this destructive programme. The streets of Middlesbrough, Hull and Salford, all areas of post industrial decline, cannot hope to compare favourably with the affluent, leafy hotspots that Kirstie and Phil drool over and promote.

Why don't they offset the damaging publicity the programme inflicts on these towns and cities by volunteering some time and expertise, or even part of their fee, to the various regeneration projects in such areas?

I really can't think why they got involved with such a mean, crass programme. It does them no credit but, no doubt, it is very lucrative for them.

Personally I love Phil and Kirsty - actually can't help but feel sorry for them with some of the lunatics they have to work with!!!

The thing that really winds me up about Relocation Relocation is that it so rarely goes to plan - Mr and Mrs Annoying inevitably end up scrapping the "crash pad" plan and sink the entire budget into the "rural idyll"!!! Clearly, it's just Location, Location, Location in disguise.

That said, I don't really want to have to watch some monumentally rich couple end up with a £250,000 flat in London along with a £675,000 country retreat - that would REALLY make me sick!!

Aren't all these house related programs the same.. I can't afford a house yet I see people on their 2nd, 3rd house just to make some more cash. Programs on the BBC annoy me the most..

Just a note to "ehwells" who thinks it is "normal" to be working class - you probably haven't noticed, but you working class people are now in a distinct minority. As John Prescott said, "we are all middle class now". Well, maybe not all, there are still some ehwells around. "Awright, ehwells, mate - know warra mean?"

I love Kirsty and Phil - think they are very entertaining and do a great job. Great programme with a bit of humour! Wish there were more of these, certainly better than those awful game shows.

Having nothing better to do the other week, I counted how many hours of location... type programmes there were on freeview. Total 43 hours! Imagine the fuss if there were that much football! Moderation in all things, I say.

Nothing wrong with Location, Location. Which deals with normal couples / familes with normal budgets, wanting normal homes....But this Relocation..with up their ar*e couples from London with a budget of £900,000 for a "crash pad" and want to escape the rat race.... urghhhh it makes my blood boil.......

Phil and Kirsty are great presenters and Location Location is for real people, in real situations and must continue.

But please please stop this prententious crash pad rubbish and put normal, everyday working class folk on the telly!

you have completely hit the nail on the head..... and I thought I liked the programme!!!!

did anyone see the dead ringers sketch with the Kirsty character saying 'I wasn't born I was knitted!' haven't been able to take her seriously since!!!

But surely Hodges of the Times misses the point, this is a programme made by women for women, whith a token metro-sexual alongside comely Kirsty, proving that not all men are b******s, and isn't he lovely, ah bless him with his little knowing wink, nod and smarmy comment.

The sole purpose of the programme is to provide entertainment for the Ladies whilst the Gentleman are out doing something else eg- football, socialising, world domination etc.

I agree with bigpants. The nosey factor definitely comes into play plus it means I don't have to wander the streets peering inro peoples living rooms and risking arrest. I have become strangely addicted to some of these types of programmmes though not relocation 'cos I really can't abide Kirstie. My favourite is the BBC's To Buy or Not To Buy. Often hosted by the gloriously camp Kristian Digby. Maybe one day I'll attempt a semiotic analysis of what it means to me. Bet y'all can't wait

Surely you realise this show is for the girls. We get to nosey around other peoples bathrooms, critique Kirstie's fashion sense and ponder how the hell did that woman give birth to a 24 pound baby.

Absolutely spot on. You have described all the reasons why I love it!

Relocation relocation is much better than that alternative A Place in the sun! Now she really is annoying!!

Sorry have to disagree with you, I like the programme as it lets me be nosey and see into other peoples houses. While I appreciate Phil and Kirstie do very little work in finding the houses I do like there presentation style.

What i would like to see tho is them fined houses for people on a council estate!