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Animal Roadshow

Peter Stringfellow and his cat
  • Posted at 12:07pm
  • 06 November 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT

I've never been particularly fond of animals. The nearest my sister and I ever came to having a pet was when my dad won a stuffed toy – an enormous purple dog – at a raffle. We left it in the corner of my sister's bedroom and, for some reason lost in the mists of time, referred to it as "Jesus" while giggling hysterically.

So the Animal Roadshow probably wasn't particularly designed to appeal to me. There were no purple dogs called Jesus. Instead, we have an undersexed gecko, a dog "driving its owner mad", some cute abandoned kittens that can't be bothered to open their eyes properly, and Peter Stringfellow. No wonder I'm not excited. Oh, but hang on a second. "And, for a chance to win £1,000, stay tuned!" Oh, go on then, I'll stick with it.

Members of the public are encouraged to come along to the Roadshow and bring a pet that they might be having a problem with. This problem could be a medical one for the vet to attend to, a behavioural one for the Barbara Woodhouse character, an aesthetic one for the grooming expert or, I'm afraid, a psychological one for the "pet communicator". The first patient, however, is a remarkably well-adjusted hedgehog called "Hedgie", who seems healthy, fit, and unafflicted by any symptoms of depression.

Hedgie's owner, however, has become a little too attached to him, and is having trouble with the concept of releasing him back to the wild, where she found him. "By all means stay in contact with the hedgehog," said the vet, surreptitiously passing her Hedgie's email address.

Next up is a woman who has set up a business called Pet Nanny. If we were in any doubt as to what her activities might entail, her business slogan gives us a bit of a clue: "literally a pet's nanny". Her day comprises walking and feeding various animals, who all seem to come in pairs and have the kind of cute names that, well, make me want to call a dog Jesus. These dogs are called either Mac and Tosh, or Bubble and Squeak, the cats are called Bracken and Tumbleweed, and the rabbit is called Vengeance. I made up the last one.

Next up is the pet communicator, Anne, who "will be in conversation with Twitch the cat". No, she won't, because Twitch is a cat. But there's a surprise on the way – because the owners of Twitch succeed in out-weirding the pet communicator. "Hello, Anne. For years my mother has believed that Twitch is reincarnated from Cleopatra."

Anne is speechless. "Riiiigght..."

"It's her eyes, you see," says the mother. "And just her general attitude to life, and...anybody." It begged the question as to why you would bring your mother to an Animal Roadshow and humiliate her on national television.

Anne let her down gently. "If Twitch was anything to do with Cleopatra," she said, kindly, "she's more likely to have been Cleopatra's cat. I have never found any history of animals coming back as humans, or humans as animals." You don't say.

To end, a look at the relationship between Peter Stringfellow and his cat, Bob Marley. This makes for some fantastic sentences which really deserve to be released as ringtones. "Bob Marley doesn't like being kissed", apparently. And the best: "Peter Stringfellow lavishes the same care on Bob Marley as he does on himself." Lucky old Bob.

Animal Roadshow is on Animal Planet (Sky 524, Virgin 215).

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