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Grave Detectives

Two men discuss a case file
  • Posted at 11:16am
  • 01 November 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 2 comments

I don't ever remember having much interest in Halloween. As a student I wasn't remotely tempted to don fangs and a pointed hat and terrorise passers-by with displays of drunken behaviour – although I did know a few goths who did that kind of thing all year round.

And I never went trick or treating as a child - I think the unacceptability of getting something for nothing was drilled into me at a very early age. I remember my dad – an imposing gentleman of six foot six – answering the door on Halloween to cries of "trick or treat" and him saying, "I'll have a treat" and then just staring at them until they went away. Classic.

Anyway, the Discovery Civilisation channel went to town on scary stuff last night, advising us to "prepare to be scared, as we investigate the blood-hungry creatures called vampires... Do they exist?". No, they don't. Next! OK, we have Grave Detectives, which brings together former That's Life! presenter Chris Serle with someone called Professor David Wilson to find out how some random, long-dead British citizen met their maker.

As there was no personal motivation here – no member of the public trying to find out what happened to their great-great-aunt, no significant reward offered for information leading to the arrest of some long-dead murderer – you couldn’t help wondering why they were bothering.

Clearly a researcher had found a grisly tale, lined up some people with the relevant information, and sent Chris and David on an utterly predictable treasure hunt in order to be spoon-fed the story. The absence of any mystery was palpable.

Neither did the show live up to its macabre billing, mainly because Chris Serle – as we know – is an extremely chirpy bloke far better suited to delivering pithy reports on toe wrestling in small Somerset villages. "Go to a church in Bristol," read Chris from his mobile phone, excitedly, "and a vicar will lead you to the grave of Eliza Balsum, who died in 1821!" Hurrah!

Cut swiftly to the Bristol church. "Hello! We're the Grave Detectives!" You half expected the vicar to say "Yeah, and?" in a withering tone, but instead he immediately gave them what they needed, and got on with his day.

At this rate, the show would be over in about six minutes flat. So it was padded out with hilarious reconstructions in period costume of how poor Ms Balsum was possibly smacked on the head with a brick by a chap called John Horwood. Chris and David then went off to investigate, while sending each other snippets of information via text message. I’ve “found” a scrapbook belonging to the surgeon who dissected Horwood. I’ve “found” the place he was hanged. I’ve “found” Balsum’s death certificate, and so on. These surprises came thick and fast.

Eventually they “found” Horwood’s skull, which had been examined after his death by a phrenologist – someone who scrutinises the lumps and bumps for evidence of criminality. After laughing uproariously at this ludicrous pseudo-science, they immediately “found” a woman who agreed to give a phrenology reading, and they spent several minutes nodding earnestly at her assessment that the unusual bridge of his nose made him a murderer, or whatever.

It turned out that Eliza’s death was possibly due to a doctor hammering a hole in her head to relieve the pain associated with the blow from the brick. Now, what would really have been macabre would have been to re-enact this particular ludicrous pseudo-science on the show. Fortunately for the Grave Detectives, their skulls remained intact.

Grave Detectives is on Discovery Civilisation (Sky 522).

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  • Posted on 02 November 2007
  • at 9:26am
  • by marysiak

You don't get something for nothing, you're supposed to perform first. It's just that nobody does anymore.

  • Posted on 01 November 2007
  • at 1:30pm
  • by charleston51

I heartily approve of Mr Marsden Snr's tactics to disperse trick or treaters.

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