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House of Fun

House of Fun channel on a TV screen
  • Posted at 11:45am
  • 23 October 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 4 comments

If you flick your way through the Sky channels, it's rare that you ever reach channel 900, either because you've been distracted by repeats of Catchphrase, or you've passed out through sheer boredom. But on the off chance that you do, you'll be confronted with a few dozen channels of... I don't know what to call it. Glamour television?

Of course, I say “glamour television” in the most sarcastic tone I can muster. It's not hardcore porn. If there is such a thing on British television, it's probably hidden away on a password-protected, pay-per-view channel, and I'd feel so pathetic trying to explain it away as "research" when my girlfriend confronted me with the bill that I'm not prepared to find out.

But for men on a budget who find the commoditization of the female form not the slightest bit degrading, there are channels like Babestation, House of Fun, Turnon TV and the inappropriately named Get Lucky TV, which just show endless footage of women speaking into telephones.

During the day, fully clothed girls are shown mouthing mutely into the receiver while sitting in a range of tastelessly decorated lounges and bedrooms. It's a bit like watching a webcam of home-based freelancers doing telesales. Then, in the evening, you see those same women, still on the phone but in their underwear, as if the central heating has recently been turned on. And then, at 10:00pm, they take their tops off to the sound of a relentlessly pulsating Eurobeat soundtrack.

But regardless of clothing levels, the aim is essentially the same: to seduce bored viewers into spending £1.50 a minute calling an 0906 number in the hope of talking to the women that they see gyrating half-heartedly in front of them.

The enormous on-screen prompts to call the allotted number of each girl – as if it were some kind of cattle auction – clearly don't always get the men going, so occasionally one of the girls will put down their phone and pick up a microphone to urge the shy, salivating viewer into action.

They'll either chew gum while bored out of their skulls – "Er, yeah, call me.... er, let me know your dirty fantasies, yeah, thanks" – or mix business with pleasure: "Mmmm, yeah.... that's £1.50 from a BT land line, mmmm, other networks may vary, I'm horny".

If you can't get through to the girls on screen, you are transferred to an alternative "babe" at a random location around the country. This can't fail to conjure up an image of hundreds of women in dimly lit kitchens, receiver clamped between ear and shoulder as they work their way through a pack of 20 Rothmans, urging complete strangers to put their thingumajig in their whatchamacallit.

It's no less grim on screen: a series of pneumatic blondes who look as if they've recently been crying, and a succession of dead-eyed brunettes absent-mindedly shaking their booty while sucking their fingers, looking for all the world like they're trying to apply some Bonjela to a troublesome mouth ulcer.

For all the pretence of titillation, this is deeply unerotic, singularly depressing television. It merely allows blokes to stare at the same woman for hours on end, in a way that would be inappropriate, if not illegal, in the real world.

You can't help but think that all these channels operate from the same grim building on some industrial estate, full of women who are having trouble paying off credit card bills, and being paid a pittance for talking dirty to drunk, desperate men while their employers bank significant wads of cash.

A more unedifying spectacle you could not imagine.

These channels can be found between Sky 900 and 970. I urge you not to watch them.

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Comments

  • Posted on 22 September 2008
  • at 1:43pm
  • by Andy

I think you'll find there is no problem with age discrimination here.

  • Posted on 28 October 2007
  • at 12:29pm
  • by themanwhofellasleep

What amazes me in how, in the internet age, channels like this (or the hardcore ones) manage to survive. The internet is literaly choc-full of porn, most of it free. Why pay for your porn?

  • Posted on 25 October 2007
  • at 12:02pm
  • by AlfredArmstrong

Can't the employers of these young women be sued under some of our many anti-discrimination laws? Surely they contravene those against discriminating by age and sex.

If they were forced to employ a proportionate number of balding middle-aged men, not only would it be fairer but it would also cater to a wider taste amongst the viewers. For those of really unusual sensibilities, perhaps some of the presenters - rather than shaking their 'booties - could read interesting items of the day's news or give advice on the valuation of antiques. Just a thought.

  • Posted on 24 October 2007
  • at 1:03pm
  • by marysiak

What boggles my mind is what these girls must have to listen to. I mean think about the kind of weirdoes you get commenting on girls videos on youtube, then imagine what those guys would come out with if they could talk to those girls on the phone. Ick.

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