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Golf Channel UK

A golfer
  • Posted at 10:39am
  • 08 October 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 2 comments

As a cricket lover who frequently finds himself having to defend the sport against accusations of tedium, monotony and clothing that looks like ill-fitting toddlers’ pyjamas, I always feel indignant that golf rarely gets such criticism.

At least with cricket, the ball is always moving. Golfers spend much of the time wandering around a stationary ball, crouching, bending over or pretending to make a shot, under the rapt gaze of hundreds of spectators standing behind a tape – presumably to stop people like me bounding onto the green and screaming, "For heaven’s sake would you hit the bloody thing, Colin Montgomery? Please?"

I don't really see it as a sport – more of an activity, like bird-watching, fishing, or trainspotting: a passive, relaxing pastime that usually involves getting up very early and has the occasional burst of mild excitement.

So I'd be unlikely to make the trip to St Andrews to watch balls being smacked out of sight every few minutes, but on TV on a lazy Sunday afternoon? Ideal. And the Golf Channel UK has it completely sewn up, featuring gentle golfing action from a range of locations that are, without exception, unblighted by high-rise blocks, abattoirs or municipal waste dumps.

Playing Lessons from the Pros provides a particularly pleasant half-hour, should you find yourself in the right frame of mind – you know, calm, collected, not waiting for test results from the hospital, or indeed a phone call from someone who's taken your mother hostage.

On yesterday's show, Corey Pavin gave us the benefit of his wisdom. As all golf lovers will know, his 4-wood to the 18th at Shinnecock Hills in the 1995 US Open was the highlight of his career, although I mainly remember him because his name sounds a bit like "crazy paving".

You never normally hear golfers talking while they're on the course. Except maybe a murmur of thanks to an appreciative crowd after making a birdie putt at the 9th, or the savage reprimanding of an errant caddy who handed over a bag of frozen peas instead of a 7-iron by mistake. But on this particular morning at Aronimink Golf Club, we were given a unique insight into the mind of Crazy Paving during the setup and aftermath of his shots.

"Well, I seem to have had a bit of success there," he might say, quietly and modestly, as the ball plonks onto the green. Or "Well, I seem to have overcompensated a bit there" as it sails into a bunker. It all fitted perfectly with the gentle ebb and flow of the golfing experience. Not once did Corey berate himself, shouting, "Aghh, you arsehole! You cretin!" while hacking wildly at the fairway and sending clods of earth flying towards the camera. He's a pro, after all.

Two things stuck with me after the show was over. One is the ability golfers have to estimate distances to about a five-yard accuracy, which I'm sure would be useful in some other occupation – maybe an estate agent, or a field gunner.

I forget what the second thing was, as I've just been distracted by an advert for a competition to win a golfing holiday for two. The winner receives a weekend of "unlimited golf" for them and their partner. I can almost hear the muted screams of said partner as the news arrives. "Look, Ted, I know you like golf, but I don't WANT unlimited golf. At best, I'd like strictly limited golf, do you hear?"

Golf Channel UK is on Sky channel 423.

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  • Posted on 09 October 2007
  • at 10:29am
  • by scissorkicks

"Unlimited Golf" - like Non-Stop Cricket, perhaps?

  • Posted on 08 October 2007
  • at 11:37am
  • by robsoft
Ooh, I dunno. My auntie and her husband are both golf-mad, and think nothing of flying over to Spain for a 2-dayer just to play a little golf. We were all a bit incredulous to begin with, and I suspect that deep down some of the family still hold hopes that they'll turn out to be something a little more respectable, like international antique smugglers, or possibly drug mules.But I think that the 'unlimited golf' prize sounds right up their street.Or maybe unlimited golf means 'golf without rules'. How cool would it be, to play a game where free-form abstract interpretation of the rules was actively encouraged? Instead of whacking the ball with a club, as you approached a green shot you might consider picking up the ball and throwing it instead? (Handy for those tricky putts when you are a bit too close to the hole to risk a decent swing). Or you could use-up a shot by maiming your opponent with a 7-iron, thus increasing the chance that his next shot will go astray due to his sudden inability to hold the club/see straight/stand up (etc).Tactical, innit? Loved the 5-yard / estate agent comment, by the way. :-)

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