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Parelli Natural Horsemanship

A woman riding a horse
  • Posted at 10:27am
  • 01 October 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 6 comments

These days there are dozens of niche channels catering for comparatively narrow fields of interest. There's one exclusively for teachers, there are others for pub landlords, owners of Audi cars, Chelsea fans – there's even a channel for people who like watching ITV2, if you can imagine that.

So the existence of Horse & Country TV should be no surprise. Nor should it come as a shock that the channel is mainly dedicated to horses and country pursuits, with a sprinkling of adverts for products to control the internal parasites of your livestock rather than ones for Plenitude Bio Contour Eye Gel.

"For horse lovers only" was the stern warning that popped up on screen when I pressed the information button for a show called Parelli Natural Horsemanship. "Imagine what you could achieve if your horse was motivated and willing," it continued. I don't own a horse – in fact I'm ambivalent about horses in general – but neverthless I tried to imagine having a horse, and then I imagined my imaginary horse to be motivated and willing. I felt unstoppable.

The show featured a woman called Susan riding Lariat, a four-year-old Arabian horse, while being directed by a 50-year-old American man with a massive hat and a moustache that might just have been larger than his hat. His name was never revealed throughout the programme, so I'll refer to him as Mr Horsemanship, because it's my birthday today and I think I should be cut a little slack on the whole research front.

In an arena containing a rapt audience of 2,000 people, Sarah took Lariat through a series of mundane exercises – standing on a piece of blue tarpaulin for seven seconds, jumping over a barrel, and just generally being obedient. At one point, Sarah was instructed to make the horse go backwards, which she did very successfully. "Whoo!" said Mr Horsemanship. "That was like Michael Jackson!"

I couldn't see much resemblance between Lariat's tentative reverse gear and Michael Jackson's moonwalk, but then again Michael Jackson never had to moonwalk while carrying a woman on his back and being hit with a stick, although many of us would surely pay good money to see such a thing.

Back in the arena, Mr Horsemanship was picking apart Sarah's technique. His main objective was to stop her from giving the horse conflicting signals – you know, sending it right with the reins and left with her feet, or inviting it over for a candlelit dinner but only wanting to be good friends, that kind of thing.

Her main problem, it seemed, was that she just didn't hit the horse hard enough with her special horse stick. "Look," said Mr Horsemanship, "try hitting yourself with the stick. Hit yourself hard." We were then treated to the spectacle of Sarah beating herself brutally about the upper torso under the quizzical gaze of 2,000 confused spectators. "You see, it doesn't really hurt, does it?"

Sarah shrugged her bruised shoulders. It was then suggested that she use a bit more force with her horse – which has the makings of a great horse-related rap, I reckon.

I didn't really understand most of the programme, although Mr Horsemanship was getting big laughs out of the crowd with horse-related gags that went several miles over my head. "Raise your hands if you've learned something today," he said at the climax of the show. Lariat chose to unleash several pounds of manure onto the arena floor. I think we'll take that as a yes.

Parelli Natural Horsemanship appears on Horse & Country TV (Sky 280).

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Comments

  • Posted on 04 October 2007
  • at 4:42pm
  • by MazY

I know it said "For horse lovers only", but having seen it, do you suppose I could apply the lessons learned to my delinquent hamster? If not, then I fear I shall have to pen a letter to the producers, protesting at our exclusion.

  • Posted on 01 October 2007
  • at 4:52pm
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT

Thank you for all the birthday wishes.

Alfred: I find that rewarding good behaviour with sugar lumps also works wonders with human beings.

  • Posted on 01 October 2007
  • at 3:15pm
  • by AlfredArmstrong

Imagine what you could achieve if your horse was motivated and willing

So the way to make a horse motivated and willing is to beat it with a stick, if I've read you right. Does this work with people?

I'm thinking of hiring a couple of underlings and I want to have all the latest personnel management skills at my disposal. Saddle: check. Riding crop: check.

This blog beats Wikipedia as an information resource. Better jokes, for one thing.

Happy Birthday!

  • Posted on 01 October 2007
  • at 2:23pm
  • by CarsmileSteve

his name appears to be Pat Parelli, happy birthday ;)

  • Posted on 01 October 2007
  • at 1:08pm
  • by robsoft
I agree with marysiak. You exercised a commendable degree of restraint there, old hoss. As you did with the Oz fitness instructors last week, too. I have to say, thinking about your ongoing series as a whole for a moment - your posts are actually far more entertaining than the programmes you are reviewing. Someone, somewhere shoiuld take note of this. :-)
  • Posted on 01 October 2007
  • at 10:57am
  • by marysiak

I'm sure there are some shockingly obscene jokes just crying out to be made here, but I think you are quite right in assuming we are capable of assuming their general existence without you actually making them.

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