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Aerobics Oz Style

Women doing keep-fit exercises
  • Posted at 10:29am
  • 28 September 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 1 comment

What with Sky Sports 1, Sky Sports 2, Sky Sports 3 and Sky Sports Xtra, it's no surprise that, from time to time, Sky Sports just doesn't have enough sport to fill all the channels. Rock climbing, for example – that surely doesn't count as a sport. It's more of an activity, while urban mountain biking sounds like a bizarre contradiction in terms.

If you stay up late enough you can probably catch some All-England crumb-dislodging from Grantham, and I've even seen Keith Floyd cooking up a cassoulet on Sky Sports 3, which is about as far from sporting endeavour as you can get.

But every weekday morning you can rely on five female fitness fanatics to take you through half an hour of Aerobics Oz Style, which means Australian style, which means that the instructions are delivered in an Australian accent, and the weather is good enough for all the action to happen outdoors.

On British television, there seems to have been some kind of edict in force throughout the 1970s and 80s to ensure that fitness programmes would never be even the slightest bit titillating. In the 1970s, Sue Becker would force elderly men in suits to try to touch their toes while haranguing them aggressively. The 1980s saw the Green Goddess attempting keep-fit exercises on a warship, and Lizzie Webb gyrating like an mad aunt after too much sherry on Boxing Day.

Aerobics Oz Style, however, has kept to the same formula for 25 years and has ensnared a loyal audience, split at best 20/80 between people genuinely wanting to keep fit in the comfort of their own homes, and men sprawled on the sofa in their underwear, dribbling into their cereal.

Five strapping, fit, healthy young women march in time to a relentless dance soundtrack while urging viewers to brace their abdominals, stretch their quadriceps and "work strongly" through the back of their arms – all while smiling politely.

The name of each girl flashes up on the screen at the beginning of the show. This has two possible consequences: a) their names will be noted by TV producers who contact their agents and offer them more television work; or b) their names will be noted by blokes sprawled on the sofa in their underwear who then get online to discuss the merits of each of their bottoms on unsavoury internet message boards.

"Step! Pivot! Easy on the left!" is the cry, as we stare impassively at the screen and wonder why flesh-coloured tights are only popular with two disparate groups of people: women born before 1940, and buxom aerobics instructors from Sydney.

I love TV like this – not because I'm a sad, balding man in my mid-30s, but because there's something about instructional videos that just makes me feel incredibly serene. Whether it's a Blue Peter presenter constructing a doll’s house from cereal packets, Marco Pierre White demonstrating how to make a lobster cocktail, or a group of Australian women showing me the best way to perform a low-impact work-out, I'm just hooked. I've no idea why. Maybe I'm just keen to learn.

But my fitness levels have remained static. I failed to do the mambo shimmy along with the show, because I was taking notes. At least I have an excuse. Five, six, seven, eight... and rest.

Aerobics Oz Style can be seen on Sky Sports channels at various times throughout the week.

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  • Posted on 28 September 2007
  • at 12:14pm
  • by Socks

You know, this column is making me want to give Rupert Murdoch money.

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