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Dirty Cows

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson with Alexy van Kimmenade
  • Posted at 10:50am
  • 14 September 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 1 comment

Hey, here's an idea: get a handful of people to compete for a prize on a TV show. Stick them in an unfamiliar situation and give them unpleasant tasks to perform. Eject one of them from the show each week in an unnecessarily protracted, supposedly nail-biting ceremony, leaving us with one squealing, triumphant winner at the end of the series. What? You've heard that one before?

In this version of the old formula, the contestants are cute city girls; the location is a farm somewhere in Cornwall; the tasks involve milking cows or wading through dung. And the prize? To become the girlfriend of a dishy farmer called Alexy.

This is a hilariously insubstantial prize, because the position of "girlfriend" traditionally comes with no permanent contract or fixed probationary period. Even when contestants on Bullseye won themselves a speedboat, they could at least flog it in their local newspaper. All these girls have to look forward to is the prospect of being dumped as soon as Alexy has banked his cheque from Living TV.

Not that he needs the cash. Despite his flat cap, wellies and the title of "farmer", Alexy doesn't lie awake at night worrying about declining subsidy levels under EU common agricultural policy. He's a posh boy with a gravel driveway full of sports cars, and a mum called Pinky who is a Belgian countess and pronounces the words "plastic" and "drastic" to rhyme with "car-sick".

Our permatanned lovelies, then, are not so much seduced by Alexy's chiselled features or the beautiful Cornish countryside as the prospect of having their own Lamborghini and no longer having to work in customer services.

This cutting-edge documentary is presented by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, whose script takes full advantage of the fact that "Alexy" rhymes with "sexy". There's also a predictable excess of saucy double entendres – lots of references to "massive secret weapons" and "throbbing machines" – and some woeful attempts at a West Country accent that must surely tempt any real Cornish people to get down there armed with a pitchfork and an air rifle.

If they did, they'd find girls half-heartedly shearing sheep while wearing a boob tube – never a pleasant experience. But the interaction between the contestants and Alexy is even more unsavoury. "I like to have fun," says one of them, vacantly, while playing with her hair. "Good," replies Alexy, staring into the middle distance. You could cut the atmosphere with, well, pretty much anything. "I'm going to teach you all how to drive a tractor," he continues. "Come on, girls."

And, amazingly, they all obediently trot off behind him. Not one of them says, "No, mate, you're a boring arse, and I'm going indoors to watch Richard & Judy". Normally, human beings have to put in a bit of effort in order to win someone's affections but, as he's the prize in a reality show, Alexy has no incentive to be affectionate, witty, chivalrous or amusing. So, unsurprisingly, he doesn't bother.

And as a result – if the papers are to be believed – he's ended up not with any of the contestants, but with Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. Who, as an eligible Hooray Henrietta, was probably the perfect candidate in the first place.

Dirty Cows continues on Living (Sky 112, Virgin 110) every Wednesday at 9:00pm.

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  • Posted on 14 September 2007
  • at 5:00pm
  • by falhawk

I've had some of my more pleasant moments while shearing sheep and wearing a boob tube.

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