Saturday 21 November

BLOGS

blogCategory
Previous
Back to blog
Next

Destination Lunch

Neil and Christine Hamilton with guests
  • Posted at 11:26am
  • 11 September 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 2 comments

I know what you're thinking. It's a question that also gives me sweat-soaked nightmares and causes me to wake up screaming, "No, mummy, no!" at 3:00am. What has become of Neil and Christine Hamilton?

Well, the former Tory MP and his overbearing spouse have landed a job on a channel called Overseas Property TV, which exists to promote that exciting sport of buying up cheap housing around the Mediterranean and successfully pricing the locals out of the market.

Their show, the curiously titled Destination Lunch, brings together an unholy mix of people under the umbrella of daytime entertainment. A TV chef, Paul Bloxham; a celebrity guest with a vague interest in a particular region; a member of the British public who owns property in that same area; and the aforementioned dynamic duo: Neil, with his trademark bow tie and stock of embarrassing one-liners, and Christine, with an autocue containing an overwrought travel brochure which she's contractually obliged to read with interest, bordering on excitement.

An example: "The Algarve's tranquil waters and sheer cliffs are enough to make any photographer weep with joy!" You got that, David Bailey?

Christine began Sunday's show by trying to sell the concept of Portugal. The celebrity guest was former British heavyweight boxer Sir Henry Cooper, who managed to force out the words "lovely to be here" by imagining a cheque already winging its way to his agent.

"I can't believe I'm sitting next to you!" trilled Christine, seemingly unaware that everyone – guests, camera crew, viewers at home – was having to completely suspend their disbelief.

Paul Bloxham then cooked a three-course lunch based loosely on Portuguese cuisine for this socially misaligned group, who sat around a table – or, rather, on one side of a table, to allow us the view of their legs dangling underneath – while engaged in a series of excruciating dinner-party discussions.

Agonizing boxing puns fell to the table, rolled off and hit the floor. Neil filled the silences by insulting Christine. Then, in order to wedge themselves into conversations about boxing, guests reminisced about occasions when they had been hit in the face. Christine, having never once been hit in the face, disappeared with Paul into the kitchen. This was something of a relief, as pork fillets and piri-piri sauce can generally be relied upon not to come up with anecdotes about being hit in the face either.

The cooking segment went well. "We're a marriage made in heaven," said Christine to Paul, "it's a shame we're both already married!" Paul laughed, Christine laughed. They continued to laugh for about five seconds too long.

We needed someone to bound on and rescue the situation, but all we got was "drinks expert" Neil Hamilton to drag us further towards purgatory. He recommended a particular rosé – "It's a nice, jolly colour" – and then attempted to pour some without unscrewing the cap. "It'll last a long time unless you take the top off," said Henry, with a note of panic in his voice.

Good things come to those who wait. I waited, and was rewarded with the end of the programme. "Unfortunately," said Christine, "the bell has rung." The winner, by two falls and a knockout, was... God, I don't know. The autocue operator?

Destination Lunch is on regularly, but at erratic times, on Overseas Property TV (Sky 287).

Link to this post
Post a comment | 2 comments

Comments

  • Posted on 11 September 2007
  • at 1:19pm
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT

I know, I feel very privileged. They're actually on the channel right now, forcing German food down Linda Barker's neck, poor woman.

  • Posted on 11 September 2007
  • at 12:32pm
  • by billybee

What joys I miss by only having the relatively few channels freeview offers. Alas.

Post a comment

Do you have something to say about this post? Share your thoughts…

Post a comment

(first or nickname only)

Please do not include any personal or personally identifiable information about yourself or others (including email addresses). All information you submit about yourself or others can be viewed by others.

Thank you for your comment

Thank you for your comments. All comments will be looked at by a moderator, however, due to the numbers of comments we receive, we can't promise that all will be posted on the site.

Post another comment

More


Advertisement