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Live Roulette

Chris Ditchburn standing behind a roulette wheel
  • Posted at 11:59am
  • 10 September 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT

My own painstakingly researched data reveals that 90 per cent of wear and tear on my remote control is sustained between 11:00pm and 2:00am. Channel-hop as I might, reliable post-pub entertainment is tough to find. I've lost my initial fascination with those shows that basically ask you to "phone this number and guess what I'm thinking", while the BBC Learning Zone is as enticing as a nightclub with no clientele save for a bloke lecturing on Hispanic architecture. Riding to the rescue, however, is Live Roulette.

The daytime trailer promises that I can play roulette in the comfort of my own home – something of an assumption, really, as my flat is a complete tip – while also guaranteeing "the real casino experience". I've never been to a casino, but I'd be surprised if they let me slump drunkenly on the carpet and belch at a TV screen. But unlike other gaming channels where you watch a computer contemptuously spit out the results, Live Roulette has a real, spinnable wheel, and lovable croupiers who pontificate about the state of the nation in the three minutes you have to place your bets between spins.

Now, I'm unlikely ever to ring a TV show to stick 20 quid on the destination of a white ball that has a history of complete unreliability. But, to paraphrase some 80s pop tune, when Chris Ditchburn is at the wheel, I can't believe the way I feel. A balding chap in his mid-40s, Chris is an actor, a man about town, the voice of the people, a father figure, a dreamer, an eligible bachelor, a moral crusader – and, to top it all, he can spin a roulette wheel with a due sense of gravitas and announce the result in booming Shakespearean tones.

His pronouncements on such diverse topics as Saudi corruption allegations, social etiquette, technological breakthroughs and matters of the heart inspire a loyal devotion in his fans. (His on-screen dialogue with his most ardent admirer – a player with the screen name of "Solitaire" – has the makings of a modern-day love story with feature film potential.)

And Chris can keep up his banter for hours on end, equipped with nothing more than a smart suit, a clipboard of news stories and a wealth of personal experience. "Thatcher crippled the arts in this country," he complained yesterday. "I couldn't go to drama school. And so, here I am at Live Roulette. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, the table is closed."

It's a preposterously cheap way of filling the airwaves, and makes Chris's rant about low-quality television sound particularly ironic. And the way they've tarted up this simple game of chance to resemble a confusing Day-Glo explosion is hilarious – not least the scrolling marquee that informs us of the last 15 numbers spun. This supposedly helps us to make an "informed choice", but is actually about as helpful as a read-out of yearly rainfall data in Dumfriesshire.

But hey, catch Chris Ditchburn on a good night, and it's like bringing the most charming bloke back from the pub to hang out with you. And better still, he won't drink all your gin.

Live Roulette is live from 6:00pm until 4:00am on Sky 847, with simultaneous broadcast on other channels including Bravo (Sky 121, Virgin 137/138) and Open Access 3 (Sky 161).

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