Radio Times

Every week, I hope it will happen. Just once, after detective Horatio Caine delivers one of his daft pre-title sequence one-liners, moments before The Who leap in with Won’t Get Fooled Again, will someone, anyone, thump him?

I’d rather like it to be Frank, that plodding sap of a detective who trails in the wake of the sleek CSI personnel like a whipped dog after a cruel master. Nothing too vicious, just a smart punch to the smug Caine face, accompanied by a “take that, you dismal, sanctimonious windbag”.

I feel so strongly because Detective Horatio Caine (David Caruso) is the most pretentious TV hero ever and the star of one of the most exquisitely stupid television dramas of recent decades. Both of which make CSI: Miami so annoyingly enjoyable.

Watching CSI: Miami, week in and week out, is strangely comforting, like being lost in a rather pleasant, recurring, surreal dream. It’s always the same – sun; speedboats; a constant supply of idiotic and thus disposable Miami bimbos placing themselves in deadly peril; Horatio standing perpetually feet apart, as if he’s expecting a flock of sheep to run, single file, through his legs; and murder plots so unrealistic they make our home-grown crime drama tosh (Waking the Dead; Wire in the Blood) look like gritty police training videos. Oh, and the first person they interview is invariably the killer.

And let’s not ignore that sheen of glamour covering everything and everyone like sticky goo. The CSI HQ resembles the interior of a Harvey Nichols store and its personnel, particularly the women, dress for work in the most inappropriate outfits (Catherine Willows in CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is similarly inadequately attired, thanks to all of those dinky vest tops she seems to favour).

The creepy female pathologist – the one who strokes corpses while calling them “poor baby” – is the worst repeat-offender with her shoals of tumbling curls (a sure-fire crime scene contaminant) and her insistence on turning up to bloody murder scenes in elegantly tailored white trousers.

But really, these characters are mere satellites to the planet-sized ego called Horatio Caine. Horatio is CSI: Miami, in all of its tacky glory. It’s Horatio who, with staggering feats of personal bravery, gets to save the world.

And what’s more, he gets to save the world while wearing sunglasses and without ever removing his jacket. Recently he drove a bomb-laden four-wheel drive into the desert, blew it up and sauntered away, casually adjusting his sunglasses and murmuring “burn, baby, burn”. Classic Horatio, classic CSI: Miami.

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Have a chuckle at some of Horatio Caine’s ludicrous pre-title sequence sayings.

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Alison Graham is TV editor of Radio Times.

csi miami is very good show to watch usually i watch its episodes.

I used to watch all the CSI's but Miami was always the worst. Its annoying because I actually really like the other characters; the gun lady and the new guy Wolf, etc. But the fact is that I can't stand Horatio!

I've stopped watching it now as I started swearing at the TV and it just generally p***ed me off. (Though I still swear at the adverts - "F*** Off", as soon as 'H' comes on is the standard)

Recently I saw the adverts saying he'd died and I was really chuffed because I thought I might finally be able to watch it again, but then the next one was called 'resurrection'! I could not believe it!

Please please get rid of him!!

Well I think hes just great

I am convinced that David Caruso (Playing the uber cool (in his dreams) Horatio Caine) is a selft taught, method actor, largely learning his trade from watching Joey Tribbiani in "Friends". The sultry looks, the "I can act my pants off without uttering a word" in your face style that is so bad, it is a work of genuius. Horatio rocks!

Yes, the show isn't particuarly realistic (it'd be pretty dull to be honest if it was considering the nature of forensics) and yes Horatio Caine is the cartoon superhero of cop shows, but CSI Miami never fails to entertain, never becomes dull or impossible to follow and personally, whilst I enjoy laughing at Caine a lot, I reckon he's a fantastic character and David Caruso has managed to perfectly fit the role of one of the best characters out there on tv. The impressive ratings for the show all around the world just go to prove this.

What has happened to the characters in this latest series? Wolfe is on the outside now as is the detective character who is back on street patrol - what have I missed??

CSI Miami cant be that bad a programme if its the most watched tv programme in the world. Give the programme a break, I can think of far worse things on tv thats not worth air time.

I look forward to Alison's comments almost as much as I look forward to CSI Miami!! She brightens up a dull tuesday afternoon just in time for the chewing gum for the brain that is CSI Miami! I love it... and yet I call it what it is... sheer chewing gum. Keep writing the reviews Alison and we'll keep chuckling and watching :)

everyone is entitled to their opinion of csi miami. Hubby and I happen to think its the best thing on tv. David Caruso in our opinion is the best person for the role of Horatio Caine. Some say he cant act. If he couldnt act he wouldnt have been chosen. Give the programme a break please. There are far worse programmes on tv and most of them end up being switched off as they arent worth watching. For those who have moan about csi miami and how annoying the character of horatio caine is, is say the answer is simple, theres an OFF switch, use it.

I'm frankly getting as weary of the inane putdowns of David Caruso and CSI Miami by Alison Graham as Alison obviously is of watching the program. I, and a great many other folks I know are huge fans of the series. Alisons constant diatribe against the program is either meant to generate outraged response (it's working) and boost "interaaction" or is genuine. Either way, it's annoying now and I suggest someone else review the program. Its one of the biggest shows in the world, millions love it, its the only time a lot of people in the UK get to see some sunshine and I love it as unlikely but always entertaining fun. Now leave it Alison, stick to Californication and the like.

Alison, I just wanted to say that I always enjoy your reviews of CSI:Miami. My favourite episode of late was H uncovering the plot to blow up the nuclear power station... I'm not quite sure why he personally had the job of taking out the offending truck when there seemed to be plenty of police marksmen on hand.

Anyway, I came across this comment on a forum which I thought was very appropriate - maybe the language isn't safe for here, so here's a link rather than quoting it!

At last some saying what I have been thinking since I first saw this series. Also does Horatio actual do anything, I mean I don't seem to ever remember him doing any of the actual donkey work, and that what really get my goat (sorry animal analogises will stop now) when he doing his “holier-than-thou” speeches. Oh it so nice to get that off my chest, I feel all light.

Ahhh yes, Horatio Caine - the man who finds it difficult to stand straight on to anyone he is talking to or lift his head up from that ludicrous sideways on angle.

The writing of CSI : Miami has now become a joke. The recent Brazilian episode proves that.

Horatio - or 'The Sunglasses of Justice' as he is known in our house, must cringe when he reads his dialogue (surely?).

Pathologist, Alexx, must be the most expensively dressed crime scene officer Ive ever seen, frequently attending hugely bloodied scenes in 6" stilettos, a cream trouser suit and a green boob tube top barely covering her obligatory fake norks. She is also an appalling actress.

The last time I watched this show was when the car blew up on the beach with H - strolling casually away and removing his sunglasses - murmuring 'burn baybehhh burn.." as he walked by the camera. It was SO ludicrous that the damn programme has never been given airtime in our house since.

Im sticking with CSI : Vegas. The writing is still excellent and the acting is sublime. Miami is like a panto.

Alison's spot on, Horatio is a very weird man - watch out hookers, junkies and orphans, H is going to protect you, with his freckly ginger arm around you . . . you'll be dead by the second break.

Mind, Alexx (and that spelling alone is enough to warn you off her) is indeed just as weird, with all that 'You're too young to die' palava. You just know she nicks the odd cadaver, stuffs it, takes it home and sits it down for a nice dinner.

Calleigh used to be OK, when her face moved occasionally, while 'Mr Wolf' is lovely - and his real name gives me a laugh, cos it sounds like a takeaway. Anyone want a Jonathan Togo? Delko is a bit useless, good only for wearing tight cashmere, I much preferred Speedle ('watch out, Speedle's a corpse . . .'.

And yeah, poor Frank, always having to put up with H's ponderous pronouncements and dour witticisms. He should crush him between one of those irritating split screens.

Boa Vista? The woman's a mess, what with mad ex-husbands and useless sisters. Surely she's be happier as a manicurist?

What I really want to know is, why regular working Joes never get offed in Miami. And is there ever a party without a murder?

I disagree with Alison Graham with the fact that Horatio Cane is a so called 'Bad Character'. Personally I think he is one of the best in CSI: Miami.

When CSI: Miami first came on the TV, I didn't think it was that good. But I watched the first episode, then the next, and then sort of got 'Stuck In' if you like.

He seems to be rather intellegent and seems to figure things out quickly. I know he doesn't smile much, but I suppose if he did, he would be just like all the other characters. You have to have a wide range of different characters in a show like that.

Cane also organises his teem pretty well, in telling them what to do and that. But what always happens?...they always catch 'Who Did It'. So I suppose we have Horatio to thank for that.

All in all, I think CSI: Miami is pretty 'Cool'. I mean just look at who produced it,, Jerry Bruckheimer.

I agree with the comment posted earlier by Frasier_Fan[b, that Horatio can be compared to marmite... "you either like him or hate him"

well for the things described as being annoying (about Horatio Caine particularly) I love! :-x his one-liners, the hand on hips, the always needing to wear his sunglasses wherever he is. There's other things that are good about him - how he is with kids, looking out for his team and he does come across as intelligent in his field.

I agree that the stroylines have gone downhill (many bimbos indeed) - season 1 and 2 were better, and Horatio was doing more hands-on work than now.

I guess Horatio can be compared to marmite - you either love him or hate him.

I completely disagree with Alison Graham. CSI:MIAMI is a brilliant TV show just for the pure fact it sets itself apart from all other Crime Dramas around including CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and CSI:NY.

CSI:MIAMI has the glamour of "everyone" that lives in Miami. Sun, sea, sand and that underlying dark world that it hides. The characters, I feel are appropriatley dressed for the scene they are set rather than that of the job they are doing, the characters represent this and Haratio Cane represents that dark side.

He has so much pain in his past you almost feel sorry for him apart from the fact he is a strong character.

As for the "sun glass moments," I think they are fantastic he says exactly what he is about to do.

All in all I settle down almost every night of the week to watch a fantastic episode of what I think is a great luxury crime drama.

I agree with your review wholeheartedly save for this: "make CSI: Miami so annoyingly enjoyable." I cannot watch CSI: Miami at all any more and for that I have to thank Horatio Caine. I've never known a character more sanctimonious nor an actor more capable of sucking the life out of any scene in which he appears. Since he appears in rather a lot of them, giving it up was my only option.