Saturday 21 November

BLOGS

blogCategory
Previous
Back to blog
Next

Vinappris

Vinappris presenter with wine bottles
  • Posted at 10:55am
  • 06 September 2007
  • by RhodriMarsden-RT
  • 2 comments

Glossy lifestyle magazines and foodie TV shows might suggest otherwise, but the British still have a dysfunctional relationship with wine. I recently heard an English actress describe how she "adores drinking wine". This was intended to sound sophisticated, but it actually conjured up an image of her necking mugs of corked Lambrusco.

Anyway, while most of us enjoy the odd glass - and raise our eyebrows in pleasant surprise when we think it tastes above average - choosing a bottle presents problems. Our ignorance has been genetically refined over centuries, and even though we shell out for evening classes run by supposed wine experts who attempt to reprogram our brains, we still have no more knowledge of the subject than we do of quantum chromodynamics.

"Any thoughts as to what, er, wine we should get?" someone might ask.

"Um, red?"

"Yes, OK. You wouldn't say...white, at all?"

"Oh. Is white the other one? No, er, red. Red wine."

Then as long as the price is right (£5.99 - the ultimate signifier of quality) and its temperature is in the right ballpark (chilled if it's white, not chilled if it's red - I think I've got that right), then we're relatively happy. And after we've drunk it, we're even happier.

But wait! Somewhere amid the glut of shopping channels, you might stumble across Vinappris. Broadcasting 24 hours a day on Sky channel 663, it puts an end to those humiliating moments in your local branch of Oddbins. For a knockdown price they'll send you a case of plonk that comes heartily recommended by a bloke with a beard sitting in a TV studio-cum-wine bar in Birmingham. And, as I'm sure you'll agree, recommendations don't come much higher than that.

Of course, a shopping channel that only sells one kind of product carries with it a certain mundanity. After an hour or so (yes, an hour, my tolerance level of shopping channels is embarrassingly high), you start wishing that they'd extol the virtues of a suede slip-on comfort shoe, or a Russian diopside and diamond accent toe ring. But no, it's just wine. Wine, after wine, after wine.

And, as with all shopping channels, the valiant presenters struggle to think of things to say. "Just... just look at...the, uh, artwork on that bottle," said the anonymous, bearded presenter during yesterday's blow-out, below-cost wine sale. "This is mad," he continued, "we're selling to you at below our cost price. We're losing money here!" I was impressed by this impassioned call to purchase fine wines, and simultaneously drive Vinappris out of business.

Anyway, their efforts seem to be having some effect, however small. A little status bar scrolls along the bottom of the screen, bringing us the perceptive thoughts of satisfied customers. Richard from Welwyn says "really fruity"; Stephen from Llanelli describes his purchase as "a real classic"; and Sharon commends the "real feat [sic] of fruits".

Give us ten more years, all you sun-basking, wine-producing nations, and we might start detecting subtle notes of oak. But don't hold your breath.

Vinappris is on constantly on Sky channel 663, broadcasting live between 5:00pm and 1:00am.

Link to this post
Post a comment | 2 comments

Comments

  • Posted on 11 September 2007
  • at 12:39pm
  • by billybee

abdoujaparov speaks the truth

  • Posted on 07 September 2007
  • at 5:56am
  • by abdoujaparov

There are, of course, only nine types of wine. There's "nice", "not very nice but it's a shame to waste now we've opened the bottle", and "undrinkable", each of which comes in three colours, "red", "white", and "pinkish". Vinappris could save a considerable amount on their production costs if they showed a still of the bottle accompanied by a mark out of 2.

Post a comment

Do you have something to say about this post? Share your thoughts…

Post a comment

(first or nickname only)

Please do not include any personal or personally identifiable information about yourself or others (including email addresses). All information you submit about yourself or others can be viewed by others.

Thank you for your comment

Thank you for your comments. All comments will be looked at by a moderator, however, due to the numbers of comments we receive, we can't promise that all will be posted on the site.

Post another comment

More


Advertisement