Evening all, and welcome to tonight's Apprentice live blog.
"One man's junk is another man's treasure," is our motto tonight, as the teams buy up second-hand goods - "old tut" as Lord Sugar would call it - and attempt to sell them for a profit to the trendy folk of east London's Brick Lane.
In the course of the show, we will apparently become familiar with the word "upcycling", but may struggle to understand the difference between vintage and retro.
While we're waiting to get started, here's a taster of what's to come in the form of these preview clips, and a demonstration of how it should be done from everyone's favourite boardroom failure, Mr Stuart Baggs The Brand...
21:00 Here we go!
21:01 Jane needs to cop on to herself!
21:02 Does Ricky pluck his eyebrows into that shape? Or is he a Vulcan? (I'm not racist against Vulcans, by the way, just wondering…)
21:04 Apparently, when given the morning off, the candidates would rather sit around the Apprentice common room on beanbags, or play ping pong, than catch up on their sleep - or lock themselves in the bathroom just to get away from each other for half an hour.
Anyway, it's too late now, they're off to Chiswick west London, to somewhere called The Old Cinema. I don't know it, but I'm guessing it's some kind of old cinema.
21:05 It's now a shop selling vintage items and second-hand goods - and the teams are going to be selling vintage items and second-hand goods, which is disappointingly prosaic. I remember when the connections between the meeting places and the tasks were like clues on 3-2-1 with Ted Rogers (young people who don't get that reference can, and should, watch repeats of it on Challenge).
21:06 Lord Sugar upcycles the teams. Ricky goes to Sterling, Jade goes to Phoenix. As Lord Sugar bids them farewell, Nick grimaces, shoves his hand inside his jacket and starts massaging his chest. He appears to be having a mild heart attack. Not that he would ever mention it - he's way too professional for that.
21:08 The teams head off to choose PMs. On Sterling, it's Duane v Laura. Duane gets no votes, just tumbleweed. Laura is Sterling PM. Maybe Britain should vote for a new PM each week too. If Sterling are fed up with Duane already, no wonder David Cameron's struggling...
Off camera, Laura confesses that “being an attractive business woman can have its ups and downs”. Use the hashtag #SamanthaBrick when tweeting about this and maybe we can get it trending again…
21:10 Tom is Phoenix PM. He wants to spend as little as possible, buy a few items and sell them for a good profit. Adam wants to pile it high and sell it cheap. In many ways, Tom and Adam are polar opposites. Tom is cool and collected, Adam is brash and loud. Tom is stylish, Adam dresses like an area manager for a brewery.
21:11 Gabrielle explains that she likes tarting up old crap by painting Union Jacks on it. That's good enough for Laura who makes her Sterling's creative head.
21:12 Tom's buying team Adam, Stephen and Katie think he should have given them more money to spend, although they don't mention that to Tom. Instead, they bitch their way to an auction house where they bid for almost nothing. Nick - thankfully recovered from his heart problem/Napolean complex - is not happy: "This team has committed a number of mortal sins. Firstly, they didn't argue about the small amount of money they were given. Then they come to an auction, they bid for four lots, they win three. It's just foolish."
21:13 Never mind though, Adam has found his way to the bins out the back of the auction house and is stealing their rubbish. Are the denizens of Brick Lane likely to want old radiator towel rails? Actually, who knows what hipsters are into these days? But I strongly suspect Adam has even less of a clue than me when it comes to this stuff. Nick, on the other hand, is wearing some pretty cool shades and he doesn't seem impressed.
21:15 Jade, Tom and Azhar are at a car boot sale. Jade wants to buy the car boot sale. But Tom - who has the haircut and dress sense of someone who might conceivably shop at Brick Lane - is more cautious. He has this strange notion they won't want to buy broken things. Jade is so excited by the prospect of broken things that she breaks something herself. Don't worry though, she doesn't buy it...
21:16 The teams head for Brick Lane, home of people with blue hair and silly hats, and of the retail outlets (shops) they will be using for the day.
Laura dumps a load of broken furniture at the shop for Gabrielle's team to upcycle. Gabrielle chews a pen and looks anxious. Are Union Jacks really enough to salvage this lot? No, they also need lashings of orange suede. And doorknobs, lots and lots of doorknobs...
21:17 Tom and co arrive at their shop. They quickly spot that a pair of radiator towel rails and a couple of suitcases is not enough to make 600 square feet look appealing.
21:20 Laura, Duane and Ricky are at a house clearance, hoping to profit from someone's death - not that I'm judging. Ricky has a taste for it - he wants to rip up the carpets and take down their curtains (and probably nick the lightbulbs and any toilet paper they didn't get round to using before they karked it).
As Duane says "There's a well known expression - 'Don't look a gift horse in the eye'." He's got one part right - there is a well known expression. That just isn't it.
21:22 Gabrielle is painting Union Jacks on everything. Nick, Ricky and Duane all question the wisdom of this but I think if they get a visit from a group of BNP members looking for furniture for their children's bedrooms, she's hit the jackpot. Fingers crossed…
21:25 The next morning, and the candidates are preparing for a big day of selling. Tom is making his quiff extra high to impress the Brick Lane trendies while Laura is btossing her golden locks about in front of the mirror and no doubt pondering the difficulties of being just so beautiful #SamanthaBrick
21:26 Tom actually has a sense of style. He looks the moddish part with his quiff, button-down shirt and drainpipes, while his shop Retro Station has a similarly elegant minimalist chic.
Laura's Vintage Gold still has a pile of rubbish in it, and Gabrielle's chairs, so to make it look better they throw some leaves on the floor. You never know, in a place like Brick Lane, they may well sell the leaves.
21:28 Jane's sales technique is to body-check passers by and try to force them to sit in Gabrielle's horrible chairs. For some reason, it doesn't seem to be working.
21:30 Tom's buying team are at the car boot sale buying more stock for Tom's shops. Their strategy is to annoy the smallholders so much that they'll basically pay them to go away. It's working too.
21:31 Ricky's left eyebrow is not happy about the Union Jack chairs...
21:33 Back at the shops, as the end of trading approaches, Jenna looks determined to lose a £9 sale for the sake of 5p but finally gives in (although it would be funny if they now lost by 5p).
Trading ends - just as a leg drops off one of Gabrielle's customers' suitcase tables. Too late, no refunds, we're closed!
To the boardroom...
21:36 There's a bit of chatting about strategy, performances and so on - and Tom makes the very brave statement “I haven’t got a bad word to say about anyone in my team” - but let's be honest, just like Antiques Roadshow, there's only one thong we're interested in... tell us about the money!
21:39 Here come the figures...
The gist is, the money Laura's team spent on all the upcycling cost them the win. Both teams made decent profits though, over a grand for Tom's and just shy of £800 for Laura’s.
As Lord Sugar says, not bad for a couple of days work - although he doesn’t touch on the fact that the candidates had a shop in a prime location free of rent, plus transport “laid on”. I suspect that would eat into your profits a bit, especially if you wanted to share them out between six people.
21:41 In line with the retro theme, Tom and co’s treat is a ‘40s vintage party where they’ll learn to swing dance and wear dead stoats around their necks. Laura’s team might spot a few live rodents at The Bridge Café if they're lucky.
21:43 Look, cut the crap, Laura's team lost because she is just too beautiful #SamanthaBrick
21:46 Gabrielle really has a serious problem with Laura's beauty - give the girl a break!
21:50 A little-known Apprentice fact: If you collected together all the mascara worn in the boardroom over the eight series, you could use it to build a bridge to the moon.
21:53 Karren says Jane's CV doesn't match her performances on the tasks: “I haven’t seen anything remarkable from her on any of the tasks that I’ve been following her on.”
It’s definitely something I’ve struggled with - how can she be such a successful businesswoman when she appears to have no business acumen and no interpersonal skills whatsoever? - but suddenly it all becomes clear as we learn that Jane is in business with her husband. Clearly, he is the one with the brains - not to mention the patience of a saint...
21:55 Jane, Jane, Jane - surely Jane?!
21:56 Well I think justice has been done there (it's certainly a blow against this bizarre anti-beauty movement. I hope Samantha Brick is watching).
21:58 Next week's task looks tasty: we have wrestler Ricky in the ring, Laura in the dance studio and Azhar at the disco - what's not to love?
22:00 I'll be back then - hope to see you there, thanks for joining me tonight and now lets all have a nice sit down, a beer (or indeed a cup of tea) and enjoy You're Fired!